In the Beat of a Heart

Here we are, now on the brink of Autumn.

Not for even a moment does life grant us a stand still.  And as much as I know life  must be on the move, I, almost daily, try my best to freeze frame my favorite sights and sounds of the day.  Those priceless moments with my gifts from God. Though, I can't recall them even five minutes later, I hope the Lord is preserving them in my mind for precious recollections down the road.

I look forward to holding our newest gift for the first time -- March can't come soon enough. But from the same place in my heart, as I watched my three-year-old walk away, obediently to bed last night... oh, my heart...  someday, sooner than I wish it, my little boy will be a great big man.  No longer with the greatest little boy's belly laugh that I've ever heard... though, I reckon it will just be the greatest great big man's belly laugh I've ever heard.

I look so forward to being old with my husband... but what about when it finally hits us that we are getting old too?  When we look back on how many Autumn's of our life together have passed?  When the day arrives that our children start off on their own journey's apart from us?  A lifetime lived in but the beat of a heart. What a life we will have lived together, Lord willing.

 (I so completely adore that man the Lord made for me.)

"I look forward to each new season with the anticipation of what it will hold. But as I go, I can’t help but look over my shoulder with the warmest sentiments toward the season I am leaving behind." -Stacie at Beautiful Things

My sentiments exactly.

12 weeks.

It is all His grace that has given me twelve weeks.

...and all the more grace when I make it to thirteen.

My dearest friends...

We are having another baby

-Nevermind the tired Sunday afternoon appearance!-

What could be more "100 Years Ago" than having a baby...

Well, that is, having a baby the way we have babies.

At home

 with an experienced midwife.

It has been hard for me to tell people.  I'd much rather wait until I was 20 weeks for the majority of the world to know, but as it is, I already look... well, I don't know how far along I look exactly, but --people are starting to talk...

So there it is.  I've told.

There is this mama, for those of you who are thinking,

"Well, that's just nuts!!  5??" that says,

"If you think my hands are full... you should see my heart."

I love that.

My difficulty with telling people so early stems from five years ago...

I lost two babies (separate pregnancies) about that long ago, both at the 2nd trimester mark (which is what I've hit today, although it appears as if the professionals have moved that mark to 13 weeks...), but since have had two healthy births.  However, even those last two pregnancies were troubled in those transitional weeks from the 1st to 2nd trimester, which contributes to my hesitation to let the world know, for fear that I may have to un-let the world and then some know only weeks later.

This one is the smoothest of the three, but I've been so deeply scarred and conditioned for trouble and dooms-day events, that it is making it difficult to relax and enjoy, while not the morning sickness, the knowledge that there is a precious little life, now around three inches from crown to rump, growing inside me.

I do have one consolation. 

 The Lord has given our baby a name.

"Light"

I take that as a promise of God that my baby will be given life.

And not only that, but that he, or maybe she, has a clear and defined purpose for his life.

I began jotting down names that popped in my head as soon as we found out we were having another baby.  And as experience has proven, Ben and I have a slightly differing preference for names. 

This time he said, "I don't care what the name is as much as I care that it means something."

Probably because our girls names are picked out of thin air just because "I like it!"  So, I thought that before I go any further with the list making, I should make sure of what the names-so-far mean so as not to have a child whose name means, "beast" or "..." well, I can't think of some of the other's I've come across now... I am pregnant remember?  On #5 no less... I have no mind left at this point!!

Anyway!  Point being... I had one boys name on the list, first and middle, along with four girl firsts and middles (girls have always been so much easier for us to agree on!).  I started looking them up.

(Actual names will be revealed later -- these are just the meanings)

Boy: First -  Light  Middle-  White

Girl #1: First- Protected by God (Is he trying to tell me something here?)  Middle-  shining brightly with light

Girl #2: First-  Light  Middle-  Light

Girl #3: First-  Light  Middle-  Light

Girl #4:  First-  Light  Middle- Jewel (and who here knows that precious jewels are nothing with out light?)

So our baby was named.  We (I) stopped looking there.  His or her name is on this list.  We don't know boy or girl yet, nor will we until the birth.  But the Lord gave me a verse for our, presently 3 inch long, Light.

Isaiah 42:6-7 

 I, the LORD, have called You in righteousness,

And will hold Your hand;

I will keep You and give You as a covenant to the people,

As a light to the Gentiles,  

To open blind eyes,

To bring out prisoners from the prison,

Those who sit in darkness from the prison house.

I think our baby is just fine.

  Armfuls of gratitude to the Giver of Grace

and Life.

My Sweet Jesus... He Loves Me All the Same

Last week was a tough week.

... Last year has been a tough year.

I had some real self-pity goin' on when I said, "I know you are God and all, but...

 I don't like you right now."

This morning in church I was thinking about the cross and His gift to me, and I couldn't believe I had so recently said that.  However, I continued:

Forgive me, Jesus.

[BUT]

I am so weary.

I am so hungry.

I know my walk with you is my responsibility... but it's a the Mojave out here!

Not to mention how hard life has turned out to be...

[Remember the good ol' days?]

We had time.

I knew Your presence.

All was right.

[So]

Please return Your hand of blessing on our family.

As if His hand had ever left us. 

I am such an Israelite.

                     Complain.  Whine.  Create for myself.

He reminded me of a passage I had just read on Friday.  In passing, I read a portion of Scripture (Luke 17-  See what the Lord can recall to you if you just take it in??)

   “Suppose one of you has a servant plowing or looking after the sheep.

Will he say to the servant when he comes in from the field,

‘Come along now and sit down to eat’? 

Won’t he rather say, ‘Prepare my supper, get yourself ready and wait on me while I eat and drink;

after that you may eat and drink’? 

Will he thank the servant because he did what he was told to do? 

So you also, when you have done everything you were told to do, should say,

‘We are unworthy servants; we have only done our duty.’”

God is a great giver -- it is not our right to receive.

Will I only offer praises to him in the times of abundance and apparent blessing?